VANCOUVER – If you’ve checked the forecast for Western Canada this weekend, then you already know it’s a SCORCHER! With daytime highs projected to hit upwards of 50°C in some parts of B.C. before the heat wave breaks, it feels right to share some Extremely Good™ tips on how to stay cool.
– Do your research. Spend several hours googling portable air conditioners and solar shades from the comfort of your couch. Give up when sweat from your exposed legs starts to pool on the bottom of your 2015 MacBook pro.
– Throw out your menu. Food can’t help you now. If your brain insists on eating something, buy several watermelons from the grocery store. This will be breakfast lunch and dinner. Save the rinds for cold watermelon soup.
– Stay hydrated. Resolve to drink more water. Drink iced JJ Bean oat milk lattes exclusively instead.
– Observe. Note the unusual temperatures with everyone you come in contact with. Use it as a point of conversation, similar to COVID-19 vaccinations or the latest offerings from Netflix.
– Draw the blinds. Sunlight is your enemy. Only leave the house at night, and even then, only to smoke or take out the garbage. Avoid the moon.
– Catch a flick. There’s never been a better time to re-discover the magic of the silver screen. Avoid action movies, they angry up the blood. James Corden’s Peter Rabbit 2: The Runaway will leave you frozen I’m sure.
– Take a dip. The beaches may be closed due to E. coli but no worries! Vancouver has plenty of great outdoor pools. Unfortunately, many of them require reservations due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Set your time machine to two weeks from tomorrow, and snag that pool chair ASAP, bestie.
– Manifest. The key to a cool body is a cool mind. Picture yourself in the tropical waters of the North pole, or perhaps a rapidly evaporating mountain glacier. Have you ever heard a winter storm on the Ukraine? It’s chilling.
– Buy your lottery ticket. This problem isn’t going away anytime soon. You need resources if you’re going to escape the boiling ocean outside your door. Seriously. Build your coins now. Before it’s too late.
– Prove yourself. Sometimes the only way to beat the sun is to join it. Leave your house during the hottest hours the day. Avoid sunscreen, clothes and shade. Treat the world like one big sauna. Show off your exclusive IV drip whenever you awake at the nearest hospital.
Links
Britney Spears: ‘I Just Want My Life Back’ (NYT)
(Never under estimate the power of a first hand account. The turning tide feels like a tsunami at the moment. Look out, Jamie)
Just Be Rich (Esquire)
(Why are extraordinarily wealthy and famous people doing their own tweeting?)
Why Bo Burnham, Jenna Marbles, And Shane Dawson All Logged Off (Buzzfeed)
(Try as I might, I cannot stop thinking about Inside. And yes, the songs stand on their own.)
(“Burd knows he’s not for everyone … but he also thinks he might be.”)
Books
In Progress
The Inconvenient Indian: A Curious Account of Native People in North America by Thomas King
The Brotherhood of the Grape by John Fante
Comments, criticisms, collaborations? Email me at ethan@humanpursuits.org, or follow me on Twitter and Instagram.