I Grew Up Getting Presents From Famous People (Happy Holidays)
My parents’ adventures in identity theft are the best gift they’ve ever given me.
VANCOUVER — Growing up, my family had an unusual Yuletide tradition.
While we often played it fast and loose with Christmas protocol — attending midnight mass when we felt guilty, opening presents on Christmas Eve when we wanted to sleep in, hosting dinner on those rare years we wanted to make a splash — we still tried to abide by a few basic rules. Always open the stockings first. Always watch It’s a Wonderful Life. And, most notably, always address your gifts from someone else.
The origins of this bizarre and beautiful ritual have been lost to time — but I suspect it started with Santa Clause. Like a lot of kids, my sister and I would wake up early, tiptoe downstairs, and find we had once again been reverse-burglarized by the hardest working man in toy business. ‘Santa Clause’ gave me my first Gameboy, my first disc-man, my first mini stick. One year, I saw a Nintendo 64 in my mom’s trunk. It, too, mysteriously turned up under the tree, courtesy of St. Nick.
As we got older, Santa started leaning on his famous friends to help shoulder the load. Conceptual artist Yoko Ono, comedian Jerry Seinfeld and fictitious sorcerer Harry Potter all pitched in at one point or another, to leave a present under the Sawyer-family tree. Usually, there was a clear through-line connecting the gift and the giver. But not always. Sometimes the affiliation was loose, like the time CBC’s Stewart McClean left me a coffee mug (his program? The Vinyl Cafe). Other times it was more or less non-existent (if memory serves, I once received chocolates from Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien).
My parents’ adventures in identity theft quickly became my favourite Christmas pastime. For a teenager obsessed with pop-culture, the wrapping paper references felt like a secret code, something only our family could decipher. It didn’t matter that the people they were pretending to be were wildly popular. Our shared experiences made each cultural figure a self-contained Rosetta Stone, an exclusive shorthand that allowed you to interpret the giver’s true intention.
Eventually, I started peppering my own presents with inside jokes and references. And not just for my immediate family. This year alone, my co-contributors included How long Gone straight-man Jason ‘Them Jeans’ Stewart (for bae), Canada’s Chief Public Health Officer Theresa Tam (for my friend Kevin), and Lisa Vanderpump’s recently deceased Pomeranian Giggy (for my sister). Out of context, these names probably mean very little. But for me and my loved ones they meant a lot.
As much as this year has been defined by disruption, it has also been rescued by these sorts of silly rituals. It’s tempting to think that unprecedented times call for unprecedented action — that we should bake bread or start a Substack because it’s a novel way to deal with the new normal. As we opened gifts with family over FaceTime yesterday, though, I realized the greatest comforts almost always pre-date the pandemic. For me that means re-watching old movies and crediting celebrities for random Christmas gifts. But it also means expressing gratitude for the ability to share these traditions with other people.
In the final moments of It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey finds a copy of Tom Sawyer sitting atop the pile of money his friends have donated to save Bailey Brothers Building and Loan. Inside, he finds an inscription from his guardian angel Clarence Odbody, which reads “Remember no man is a failure who has friends.” In a lot of ways, Human Pursuits is a testament to that sentiment.
If you subscribe to this Substack, or have simply taken time to read something I wrote this year, thank you. Your attention is a gift and one that I’m extremely grateful for. I’m lucky enough to run Human Pursuits for free, with no paywall for my content. That said, if you’d like to support One of the Internet’s Best Websites, please consider sharing this Substack with anyone who might enjoy it.
I hope to publish a few more things before the New Year, but until then, I want to wish you the happiest of holidays.
Your pal,
Academy Award Winner Jimmy Stewart