in touch with the past self
Oh Messy Life #29
Welcome to Human Pursuits, the column that features need-to-know names and stories in media and other creative spaces. Today, an assignment from and even more updates from Friends of the Newsletter.
It’s the eleventh hour, and I have nothing written for the newsletter. So it’s time to stop pussyfooting around.
I text Nick.
“Friend to friend I want to write something for tomorrow but I’m completely tapped out. Can you assign me a topic lmao”
He replies immediately.
“yes I can”
One minute later.
“Part of me wants you to write about getting in touch with the past self, as we’ve spoken about before and as I’m obsessed with. Literally listening to the first Vampire Weekend album as I type this. What’s the first album you bought with your money? Have you listened to it in its entirety lately?”
I tell Nick I’m not entirely sure, but I think the first album I bought with my own money was Enema of the State.
In a lot of ways, my relationship with Enema has followed the trajectory of whatever interior work I’ve done in recent years. My obsession with blink lasted about a decade, from when I turned eight until roughly when I was 18. They were more than my favourite band. They were my idols. A foul-mouthed Rosetta Stone that helped orient me to the world. They’re remembered as the naked band, thanks to the video for “What’s My Age Again?”, but Enema’s subject matter was often heavier than its saccharine production suggested. There were songs about suicide, and dysfunctional families, alienation, and male gender norms. On stage Mark and Tom were happy to play the role of court jester, mouthing off about cum and weiners until Travis counted them in. Their studio recordings were slightly more serious, though, and those were what I pored over.
I obsessed over blink’s songs and videos, adopting their mannerisms and aesthetic to the best of my ability. Like The Beatles in ‘64, fans were keen to pick a favourite member. Mine was Tom. The one with the lip ring and the aliens and the nasal inflection. I emulated him in a way that is arguably not normal or healthy. And this is where the cringe kicks in.
Tom DeLonge is arguably the most embarrassing member of blink. He’s the biggest personality of the three, and if you hate him, you probably really hate him. Sadly, I related to that divisiveness. As a kid, I wanted to be loved by everybody, but I often felt weird and out of place. Eventually, I learned I could alleviate this self-conscious feeling by making people laugh. Sometimes this impulse was harmless. Other times, not. I was happy to take the joke too far. I picked on people because I secretly believed that I was a victim. I was attention-seeking but also thin-skinned. What a nightmare; the worst of both worlds.
As a 34-year-old man, I can see that this instinct was a defense mechanism. I wasn’t confident enough to move through life as my authentic self, so I deflected any potential criticisms by poking fun at others. Around graduation, I realized these behaviours were bleeding into my closest friendships and alienating me from people I cared about. I wanted to change, but wasn’t entirely sure how. So I selected the nuclear option. I started shedding entire aspects of my personality. I tried to reinvent myself overnight. Ten years passed. I stopped listening to blink-182 almost entirely.
In hindsight, this was unnecessary. I could’ve held onto the things I cherished while still developing my self-confidence. I could’ve been kinder to myself.
Past Ethan wasn’t perfect, but he was doing the best he could.
Reading Mark Hoppus’ memoir recently, I realized how much time has passed since I bought Enema of the State on CD. It’s been 25 years. Maybe more. The songs that once defined my present are now firmly rooted in my past. I will carry them into the future whether I like it or not. Some mornings, I wake up humming “Dumpweed” or “Mutt”. I can recite the lyrics to “Going Away to College” without even trying. When I listen to Enema, the songs sound exactly the same. I hear them differently now.
Oh Messy Life
ICYMI: last week’s interview was with Colin Miller. We talked about chess, lessons learned from MJ Lenderman, his album Losin’, and half-baked ways to get rich quick.
This week’s reading included Robby Kelly’s profile of livestreamer IShowSpeed, ’s review of Overcompensating, and on Morgan Wallen’s new music festival down in Alabama.
The boys are back in town: and both started posting again. Raeland for his newsletter Logging On, and Norman on his “digital notebook” Nervous Acid.
Bonj birthday, babe: Happy birthday to .
Speaking of trips around the sun, Alyssa Vingan’s podcast is one year old! She celebrated by interviewing James from Throwing Fits. Great ep.
Rarely Do I Podcast: Trevor from Youth Lagoon sat down with Deeper Into Movies to talk about getting out of his own way, growing up homeschooled, and how his first encounter with The Omen changed him forever.
And Mitchell Wojcik co-directed a music video for Slow Mass
Yoo-hoo-ly matrimony 💍 : Two of my best friends are getting married! Congrats Kevin and Shom. Love you.
Proper Chune
Enema of the State was my starting point, but Untitled remains my forever favourite. The video for “Always” is one of the coolest things blink ever did.
My next guest is…
Sonia Weber from the band Alien Boy. Their new album, You Wanna Fade?, rips.
Meme Machine
