Three Stooges-style seltzer gags (Human Pursuits 6/11/21)
What I learned from getting unintentionally wet and wild – twice
VANCOUVER – There’s no easy way to say this.
I, Ethan from Human Pursuits, was the victim of a hilarious, but nevertheless serious, seltzer gag. A stream of tonic water sprayed straight to the moneymaker. Actually, if we’re being honest, it was two powerful streams of tonic water straight to the moneymaker. And from a well documented ne’er-do-well no less.
I suppose I should explain. Enter: last Sunday
It was Halloween and Leah and I were visiting the good folks at City Market for provisions, ahead of a Spooktacular movie screening later that evening. As always, our cart overfloweth with the freshest produce (Kale, Macintosh apples, baby carrots) the most succulent legumes (white beans). We were breezing down the beverage aisle, near the end of the store, when Leah happened across a squat-yet-chic four pack of tonic water. “Maybe we grab these for G&T’s before people arrive?” she suggested.
If only I had known.
Back at the house, we began to unload the groceries. The kitchen was a radiant wash of stainless steel and white laminate, thanks to a deep clean done earlier that morning. Slowly, and with great care, I removed our groceries and snacks for the week from our shopping bags, transporting them to their requisite spaces around the kitchen. Soon, the shelves were stocked. The fridge was almost full. Just enough space for four small glass bottles of PC Black Label Sicilian Tonic Water.
I grabbed the four pack and placed it on the narrow counter in between the fridge and the oven. The fridge, which was designed by the good folks at LG, is smart enough to beep when the door is left open too long. The only problem is that “too long” is something like 15 seconds. No sweat. Surely one can relocate four glass bottles from their casing in that time! With great dexterity and swiftness, I opened the unit with my left hand and grabbed the first glass bottle with my right, depositing it in the door’s beverage rack. As I moved back to grab the second bottle, however, the door began to close. Instinctually, I moved to bump it back open.
Suddenly, sensory overload. Sight, sound, taste, touch and smell unified. A big bang in our small Vancouver kitchen. When I came to, I was soaked in the sticky remains of not one, but two bottles of PC Black Label Sicilian Tonic Water.
Stunned, Leah scrambled from the living room to try and make sense of the scene before her. Water pooled on the recently cleaned counters and floor, droplets rained down from the ceiling like a bad home insurance commercial.
“Are you okay?” she asked, “What happened?”
“Does it matter?” I replied.
As I mopped up the crime scene, memories flooded back. In my efforts to keep the fridge door open, I had accidentally nudged one bottle of PC Black Label Sicillian Tonic Water off of the counter. Incredibly, it landed upright, resulting in enough force to send the bottle cap flying, producing a champagne style shower which shot directly into my face and nose. Stunned, I moved to pick up the bottle and start cleaning when the second bottle was knocked from its place on the counter, landing straight up and sending a second surge of rapids right into my stupid, 30-year-old face.
The call was coming from inside the house. He was dead the whole time. Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are one and the same. A lonely man fighting himself in the parking lot as a group of strangers looks on.
Interestingly, the worst part of it all wasn’t nearly drowning myself on dry land, or soaking the kitchen, which I quickly knew would be funny eventually. It was that I lost my temper and got snippy when Leah rightfully asked me what happened. “Does it matter?” is a funny response, but it is not a kind response. As one of my favourite writers says “I’ve never once lost my temper and afterward thought, ‘I’m really glad I did that.’” You can’t always control whether the tonic water is gonna go flying. But you can control your response when it lands.
After I wrung out the mop, I told Leah I was sorry for not having a better answer in the moment. “It’s just that I had experienced a Three Stooges-style seltzer gag IRL,” I explained. She smiled and rolled her eyes. In a way, I guess being in love is the ultimate inside joke. You have to be there to really get it.
Comments, criticisms, collaborations? Email me at ethan@humanpursuits.org, or follow me on Twitter and Instagram.